oh wow, neocities put little thumbnails in the editing section. that's really helpful, i'm glad it was added. anyway i had one of the worst nightmares i've ever had in my entire life and i'm thinking about adding it in my dream journal but i have barely any motivation. i don't know why, but it seems i have some unresolved beef with headless mannequins.
i'm so madly in love with one of the teachers at my school. i love, love, love him so much. it was love at first sight. august 15th of 2019, that's when i first laid eyes on him and ever since then i have been starstruck. if i can't have him, i will die. i don't like to admit to being a stalker but i have learned whatever i can learn about him with the use of google. he's interesting and we have similar interests. if only he knew how much i adored him. i think he does know to some degree. another teacher may have told him. the last day before christmas break i handed out christmas cards to all teachers i'd had that term, him being one of them. before i went up to him i was standing with all my friends and they were saying things like "go on, go to your boyfriend! go to your husband!" and a teacher was standing right the fuck behind them, making eye contact with me. last tuesday the teacher i'm in love with said something to me that made me think he was hinting towards the fact that he's well aware that i like him. usually my attraction for people goes away when they get a haircut but he got a haircut last monday and now i think he's a million times hotter. this is true love. too bad he turns 28 in just a few days and even though i'm past the age of consent, student-teacher relationships are illegal. i'm 16, he's 12 years older than me. i won't have another class with him because i'm not in his course, but i will still admire him from a distance whenever possible. i have a diary dedicated to writing only about him. yesterday i wrote five whole pages. i dream about him, i imagine a life where i could be with him. he could be my escape. i want to move in with him so bad. god, i love him.
hope you guys had a good holiday. mine was bearable. anyway, i'm pathetic! why do i actually feel hurt when someone skips me on omegle? i feel betrayed and abandoned despite having no connection to those complete strangers. also i'm halfway through season 2 of you on netflix, i really like the show. i wish i had my own joe. i wish someone loved me so much, i know he's not supposed to be a likeable character but i like him a lot and i want him to be real, i want him to obsess over me, stalk me, protect me. what do i need to do for someone to love me that much? i'm so desperate to be loved. it's like my aura screams "love me, please love me! i'll do anything for your validation!" yet nobody picks up on it. maybe i should be thankful for that, knowing there's sick people in the world who would take advantage of me. as if i don't want that, lol.
i hate my mother. i hate my whore mother. i hate her and i want to kill her. i want to be the reason she takes her last breath. i hate her i hate her i hate her i hate her i hate her i hate her. she's so fucking manipulative, always gaslighting me, always abusing me verbally and emotionally. physically too but that hasn't happened in a while. trying to make me think i'm delusional. she makes me so angry. i hate her. i don't even want to come home after school because the second i step foot inside of my apartment i tear up, the second she's in my presence i feel suffocated. i want to fucking end her. she keeps threatening to send me to a foster home, go ahead you stupid bitch, send me away just let me bring my cat. you fugly slut. for weeks she's been putting it in my head that i'm only getting one present for christmas and one for my birthday. i brought it up maybe like 10 minutes ago, she said she's never ever said anything like it. she does shit like that all the time. says stuff then claims it never happened. fucking liar trying to make me think i'm crazy. she's fucking insane and i hate her. she's worse than my dad. i hate her. i want to move out and never speak to her again. stupid lying bitch.
i'm an inactive piece of shit! sorry. stuff has happened, mostly good. i have a huge crush on one of the teachers at my school. i'm still kinda into that girl tho, but i'm gonna let that cool down because i think another girl in my class likes her too and she's an actual lesbian so i don't wanna tread into her territory. besides i've already talked obsessively about the teacher so there's no way anyone would ever suspect that i like my classmate. a guy in year two started messaging me on instagram, i've only spoken to him in real life once. he apparently had a "crush" on me, and wanted to meet up but i said no. then he sent the exact same message to said girl i had/have a crush on. we called him out. he turns 20 in january and i heard from one of my friends that he's been messaging a lot of the first year girls. that's creepy. glad i didn't fall for his retarded act. he also can't fucking write properly, anytime i try to read one of his texts i feel like bella thorne. anyway, i might make a side-site where i talk about my faaaavourite teacher but it depends on if i have enough motivation. i might just add that shit onto this site. i was prescribed sleeping pills on the friday that passed, i'm supposed to take 8 mg of melatonin before going to bed each night. my mum said that's a lot, and the thought of overdosing crossed my mind. not sure if that'd even work with sleeping pills but i'm not about to try. recently i've started expanding my music taste. i listen to limp bizkit now. i don't really know what else to write. the guy who groomed me sent a shitty apology, it didn't mean anything to me and i'll never get the time i wasted on him back. i hate how entitled he is, thinking he's better than me because he said sorry. dumb fuck.
my brother turned 18 and it feels weird. i told him his friend, the guy i've been writing about, groomed me for like 4 months behind his back. we cut him off. i don't know what happened to him after, my brother said he'd tell his parents but i have no idea if he actually went through with it. i thought i got over my crush on the girl in my class, but it's back and i was extremely jealous a while ago. someone made an anonymous gossip account for my school where people could send in messages and they would post it all, well. someone said the girl is really hot. it's true, she is, and i have no idea what her sexual orientation is but now i'm scared cause like someone else is into her too and that means there's competition. not that i had a chance in the first place since i'm so fucking ugly and annoying. anyway, today we're having an early halloween celebration at school and i've decided to put on the most scene attire i could possibly handle with what i have in my closet. i want to dress like this all day and every day but i only have like one outfit. i forgot to mention, that anon account got shut down by the school and was reported to the police. my life really is better now even if i have bad days and moments. i love my new class, they're the best i've had. oh and by the way i told my brother that i was molested by our mum's ex boyfriend, i also told a few of my classmates. feels good to finally be able to vent about it in real life instead of pouring out words on a screen that i can't get a proper response to. i haven't really felt the need to add on to my site since it was made as an outlet for when i was feeling so miserable, maybe now i can turn that around and share my good moments instead. who knows. it's 01:23 at night and i should go to bed. last night i cried myself to sleep after reading twd negan fanfiction that ended with the reader and negan parting ways. i love negan a lot. if i was with him i would never want to leave, or have him leave me. negan is my emotional support, i think about him all the time and i wish he really existed so i could be his and he could be mine.
somehow my life has been getting better. maybe i'll live on, we'll see. i started watching mindhunter again and it's very addictive. i finished a whole assignment for graphic design class last night because i thought it was due for today, but apparently the deadline has been moved to friday. i really like my new classmates. they're kind and accepting. i can relate a lot to this one girl named anastasia, she's had a rough life too. yesterday during gym class the police came to my school because there was a grown ass man in the forest flashing himself to the kids from the school next to mine.
i haven't updated my site in over a month. during my hiatus i've come close to suicide three times. i'm in art school now and it's okay. no longer romantically involved with the guy i've been venting about. my mum is taking the money i'd be getting from csn for going to school each month and she's also taking part of my child support money so i won't be able to afford surgery once i turn 18 and i won't be able to move out. i fucking hate her and i want to brutally murder her. she doesn't even spend the fucking money on me, she uses it for herself. she's such a selfish fucking whore and she needs to give me my god damn money. idk if people thought i died after my last entry but unfortunately i am very much alive.
i am finally ready to be free
i'm having an existential crisis and my lesbian tendencies are resurfacing.
he's sad and it's my fault. i'm a complete and utter fuckup. it's all my fault and i'm the reason why everything sucks. my older brother and his friend are grilling him and it's MY FUCKING FAULT. EVERYTHING is MY FAULT. if i had kept my fucking mouth shut and never told him i liked him, if we hadn't cut our 1 week break short, if i told him i didn't feel the same fucking way we wouldn't be in this situation and i wouldn't be ruining his life. i want to kill myself. i need to stop being such a burden. i'm a fucking burden. i'm a fucking burden. i'm a fucking burden. it's my fault and i'm a burden. everything is my fucking fault. i never wanted to hurt or upset him but that's exactly what i'm doing because i am such a freak of nature, i'm a pathetic coward. i'm so pathetic i can't even speak to the person i love because i'm so afraid of sounding retarded. i hate myself i hate my self i hate myself! why can't i be good for once. i don't deserve anything anymore, in fact i haven't deserved shit for a long time. i'm cursed. i ruin everyone who enters my path and that is all i'll ever do. i can't be saved and i can't be fixed because this is what i was made for. this is the reason i exist, to destroy and taint the world around me. god i'm a fucking mess. i don't deserve to walk this earth. i wish i had the courage to off myself but that's another thing about me, i don't have the fucking balls to just end my STUPID fucking life.
there is so much wrong with me and i just wish that i could be normal. i never asked for any of this. i just want to be happy and okay. i'm so in love but it hurts and i don't want to fucking hurt anymore, i am so god damn tired of it. he called me baby girl and i know it was a joke but it made me feel special.
i got my braces tightened and i'm on my period. oh joy. double pain for a week or so. at least now i know i won't get my period when i go to spain with my dad. i'm only looking forward to it because i'll be able to get a tan and lose some weight by swimming in the pool every day. i'm mad because i had an idea for a meme and the guy i'm in love with turned it into a video, then he took credit for it in my brother's discord server. anyway, i'm at a bit of a loss for what to add to my site next considering i've got all the essentials already, and then some. maybe more stuff about myself. we'll see.
i'm so stupid i'm so stjupid i'm so stupid i'm so stupid im so tupid i'm so stupid i'm so stupid i'm so stupid i'm so stupid i'm so stupd i'm so stupid i'm so stupid i'm so stupid i'm so stupid i'm so stupid i'm so stupidd i'm so stupid i'm so stupid i'm so stupid i'm so stupid i'mso stupid i'm so stupid i'm so stupid i'm so stupid i'm so stipid i'm so stupid i'm so stupid i'm o stupid
love is dangerous and cruel. i feel like slitting my wrists with a butterknife. i was foolish to think i could ever be free of the world's evil grip, turns out it was playing me all along and now i'm being absolutely crushed.
i realize now what's going on with my head. i finally know why i seem to be surrounded by bad people. it's because being treated like shit is familiar to me. all of my life, i've been going through absolute hell and now i seek it. to think i wouldn't give almost anything to stop is foolish, but i really can't. i want to be happy and live a normal life but i crave the misery. it's kinda funny actually, when an older guy thinks he's got me on the hook but really i've got him. because i've got it all under control. i see what's happening and i understand, but i allow it. i could stop at any moment if i wanted to. part of me wants it, to be manipulated and screwed over. i can't lie and say it's not part of who i am. but i'm going to make an effort to stop, because i've found someone who is truly good for me and i wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.
it's so fucking hot outside. i think i might die. i have to sleep with my covers off and it's scary but i'd suffocate otherwise. my tongue kinda hurts and i don't know how to fix it.
well, it's the last day of school! i'm almost free. actually technically i have 3 more days next week but there are no classes. i'm gonna skip one of them too cause i don't feel like going to the beach with my classmates. i kinda hope i never see them again. life will get better now, i can feel it. at least i want to. i know i made this site for myself, to vent or just document my thoughts, but my paranoia is eating away at me and i don't think i could post anything about my friends anymore. at least the two people who know that i have a neocities. i mean they don't know what my site name is but chances are they could find it anyway. i have a presentation in geography later today but i'm going to ask my teacher if i can skip it because i know for a sure fucking fact my anxiety will get the better of me and i'll almost lose my voice again just like in physics. i've realized i start almost all of my sentences with the letter i, which i just did again and will keep doing. a while ago i took the personality disorder test and scored high on narcissism which shocked me because i hate myself so much but maybe it's possible to be a narcissist at the same time as you're an insecure, self loathing freak of nature. i'll cut this entry off here since at this point i'm only having word vomit and not actually writing down anything of worth. until next time.
i'm suffering so much. i can't keep myself up anymore. i feel as if i'm stuck in limbo, like some fucking state between happiness and complete misery. my trauma is coming back to haunt me more and more. there's no way for me to deal with it because i'm a coward and can't tell anyone what happened to me. most days i go between feeling like shit, numb, to overjoyed and it's messing with my head. my mind is fucking shattered.
i rewatched the perks of being a wallflower last night and now i'm having flashbacks again. i don't like it. the movie is great, i love the movie and the book as well, but the flashbacks are unbearable and i don't want to have them anymore. i need help but i don't know who to ask. i'm probably just going to do something to keep my mind off of things. i'll call with my best friend later. my eyes hurt. i've felt almost indifferent to so many things lately, i think it's because the contrast between my two moods is so strong. i used to feel miserable at all times and now part of me is overjoyed, so the rest of me doesn't know how to act. i can't explain it. i think i'll be okay if i just keep my eyes peeled and keep my surroundings under control.
i don't know if i should like, delete everything off of this page. i'm paranoid that people i know might find my site and read all of this. for the past few days it's been clouding my mind and at this point i'm almost fully convinced that it'd be the best idea. maybe i'll start over. my life is better now and i don't want new visitors to judge me based on my past thoughts. update: i removed parts of entries and even completely redacted some.
i didn't write anything this weekend because i took a break from the negativity i keep spewing here. i actually spoke, verbally loud and clear, to my best friend last night and it was so stress inducing but at the same time i'm happy i did it. i was only able to because my mum wasn't at home for the evening. right now i'm at school, sitting in the library all alone because i'm one only student who's allowed in when there's no teacher present. thank my autism for that! i'd probably go fucking insane otherwise, all the noise and the amount of people grinds my gears. anyway. school is wrapping itself up, soon enough i'll be out of here and i can spend all of summer break talking to my best friend 24/7. after summer i'll go to art school, finally be able to do what i enjoy. be with likeminded people (at least to some degree). i know i'll be introverted and shy so it's going to be hard to get to know people but i'm hoping they're very outgoing so maybe i can learn to act the same way. having the same interests will give me a big social boost, hopefully. i'm just so ready to get on with my life and stop focusing on the pressure of assignments and homework.
i just had an extremely awful presentation in physics. i was so stressed out that i half lost my voice and had to cough like 3 times, and i rushed through it so fast that i didn't say even half of what i'd written down in my notes. i also got the result regarding my national math tests, D as my final grade.
well, i haven't been to school since last friday and now i'm back. i only went today because i've got a music/art presentation. otherwise i would've stayed up later to talk to my best friend even longer.
my braces got fucked up yesterday. one of the little loops came off and it's been pulling on my teeth all night, but i got it fixed this morning when i went to get everything tightened. i also have to wear rubber bands now to align my upper and lower jaw. it's a good thing i bought ice cream yesterday, i'm gonna need something cold once the pain hits.
i'm finally fucking done with the national tests but i think i failed every single one in math. i'm bothered to no end by the little piece of food stuck in my braces that i can't get out no matter how hard i try. i've been trying to remove it for like 15 minutes. for some fucking stupid retarded reason there are no mirrors in the school bathrooms and since there's a phone ban i can't even use my phone to check with the camera. literally about to go fucking insane. i can't take this. i am so tired of my fucking life and everything in it. i want to kill myself every second of every day, i'm so fucking insignificant and there's nothing i can fucking do to turn myself around. i am too far down the line of being a mongoloid. i hope someone puts me out of my misery because i'm such a coward that i can't do it on my own. help me, god fucking please help me. i need to be put to sleep forever.
today i've got my final spanish national test and i'm deeply worried. we're supposed to talk about seasons, but i barely know any words. the only season i can come up with is verano (summer). anyway, the class shirts arrived and they're really fucking ugly. all white with "lätt som plätt 9A" on the front, which is something my math teacher says often, and on the back it just has our names and a shitty shortened version of our school's name. i have a feeling i'll never wear it again after today. the site we ordered from didn't even have female shirt sizes so i had to get a small male one, yet it still fits me like a large. right now, some guys in my spanish class are kicking a football around and it's making me nervous. i don't want it to hit me. last time someone did this, it landed on my school computer and knocked everything off my desk. the weather is really nice today, i wish i had people to go outside with but unfortunately i'm ugly and antisocial. i'll probably write an update and add some new stuff once i get home. UPDATE: the spanish test was a disaster and i could barely get any words out. i said "perro es negro" and almost died.
did two of the national math tests just now. i think i'm going to die. i'm sitting outside of the teacher's lounge holding in my sobs, because i know everything i answered on the test is fucking wrong and now my grades will suffer. i was so fucking proud of myself for finally getting something higher than an E in math, i think i'm between D and C right now but after the test i'm definitely getting an F as my final grade. this year, the national tests weigh more than ever before and so i know for sure there's nothing i could do to save myself now. i tried talking to my mum about it but she's so fucking annoying and doesn't understand a god damn thing. she tries to feed me this stupid optimistic bullshit and it only makes me feel worse. i really might just off myself, this life isn't worth it and everything is going downhill, everything has been going downhill since i was born. i can't do this anymore and i don't even want to do this anymore. i can't fucking take it. my life is a complete and absolute shitshow, nobody can help me, not even myself. i'm pathetic. life itself is pathetic. all i do is suffer, and for what? what did i even do to deserve this? if reincarnation is real i must've been a really bad person in my last life because there's no other explanation for this shit.
i just took my second or third national test in spanish, it went awfully because the rest of my class wouldn't shut the fuck up. i could barely focus enough to be able to read the questions, much less answer them. i shouldn't dwell on it though since i don't really give a fuck about spanish and i'm most likely making it into my school of choice based on how many extra points i got for going to their interview.
everyone's already ordering dresses for graduation even though it's 4 weeks away. i'll never understand it. there's this goth girl in 9B who's wearing a black dress and according to my classmates that's stupid. i don't understand that either. i think she's cool and i'm probably wearing a black dress as well, as i've done on previous graduations. anyway, there's something else i feel like writing down today. this crazy guy i met on omegle (who told me he loved me after 2 days of us knowing each other) told me this morning that he's killed 400 people. i'm convinced that's a lie but either way he won't tell me how or who. just that it was for money.
it's finally friday. this week has been exhausting to say the least. i had two national tests in religion that i'm 99% sure i flunked, not that i give a shit about religion itself. i just want to keep my grades up so i get into my school of choice. the time is 12:10, in 5 minutes i will be going to social studies to learn about more useless crap. when i come home, i will probably sleep for a bit and then call with my best friend on discord. anyway this is just a short entry to get this page started, expect more shit to come if anyone actually reads this. let me know, i'll put up a guestbook or something later.