i don't know if i should like, delete everything off of this page. i'm paranoid that people i know might find my site and read all of this. for the past few days it's been clouding my mind and at this point i'm almost fully convinced that it'd be the best idea. maybe i'll start over. my life is better now and i don't want new visitors to judge me based on my past thoughts.
everyone, i have an announcement to make... i'm in mutual love! ben loves me! he said it several times and i'm so fucking happy, i'm so lucky. i can barely believe it. i want to devote all of my time and love to him because i LOVE him so much. i love love love love love love love love love ben. he's the light of my life, like a fucking angel godsend. i'm so fucking lucky. i want to hold him and show him how much i truly appreciate that he's saved me from myself. i might fuck around and become religious because clearly he's a sign that there is a god. i have a four day long weekend after today, and i'll be staying up late to talk to ben as much as possible.
i didn't write anything this weekend because i took a break from the negativity i keep spewing here. i actually spoke, verbally loud and clear, to ben last night and it was so stress inducing but at the same time i'm happy i did it. i was only able to because my mum wasn't at home for the evening. right now i'm at school, sitting in the library all alone because i'm one only student who's allowed in when there's no teacher present. thank my autism for that! i'd probably go fucking insane otherwise, all the noise and the amount of people grinds my gears. anyway. school is wrapping itself up, soon enough i'll be out of here and i can spend all of summer break talking to ben 24/7. after summer i'll go to art school, finally be able to do what i enjoy. be with likeminded people (at least to some degree). i know i'll be introverted and shy so it's going to be hard to get to know people but i'm hoping they're very outgoing so maybe i can learn to act the same way. having the same interests will give me a big social boost, hopefully. i'm just so ready to get on with my life and stop focusing on the pressure of assignments and homework. ben and i have been getting more intense, we share our thoughts about a potential relationship and maybe even meeting in real life someday. when i'm older, of course. right now i cannot imagine my life without him. he's turned me around for the better. last night he said "i genuinely love you" but then deleted the message, it warmed my heart so much and i'm ecstatic that he even remotely feels the same way as i do. i'll have to cut this entry short because i gotta go to class, but this was an enjoyable little moment that i'm happy to have shared with those who take the time to read my stupid words.
i just had an extremely awful presentation in physics. i was so stressed out that i half lost my voice and had to cough like 3 times, and i rushed through it so fast that i didn't say even half of what i'd written down in my notes. i also got the result regarding my national math tests, D as my final grade. i've been talking to ben more flirtasiously and it's killing me. i want to spend the rest of my life with him, i adore and admire him so much. i cannot fucking wait to turn 17. and ben actually told one of his flatmates about me! that shocked me because whenever someone comes in during a call he just never mentions my name or even that i exist. but anyway, he's told his best flatmate about the fact that he's into me and i'm into him as well, and his flatmade said just to wait until i'm 16 then go for it. i mean ben and i first said 17 because that's more socially acceptable i guess but either is fine with me as long as it works for ben. since it's the weekend we're probably going to watch a couple of movies or something, which would slay my life! last night we were up until 3 listening to music together on discord. i just enjoy spending my time with him so much, it's one of the few things i look forward to in my daily life. things just come naturally to me when i'm talking to ben. it's like he's unlocking a new version of myself. i have many versions, alternate personalities if you will, and they've been a little bit whack lately. but i think i'm okay. i'm okay. my life is coming together. everything is coming together and soon i'll be out of school for summer, collabing with ben every single day. happy and content.
well, i haven't been to school since last friday and now i'm back. i only went today because i've got a music/art presentation. otherwise i would've stayed up later to talk to ben even longer. i had originally written another entry on monday, sharing some great news. i then decided to remove it because i promised ben that i'd keep what he told me a secret. however this is my journal and nobody truly knows who i am so i think i'll write about it now. these few days have been good for thinking and processing what he said and how it made me feel. on sunday, i told ben about busboy and how i had a massive crush on him last year. i didn't say anything about still having feelings. then in the evening ben went out to drink and get stoned. i waited for him to get back so we could watch scream together, but it kinda flopped because he was in a depressive state. at first i didn't know what could have caused it but then somehow the topic of busboy came up again and he said "i mean, it sounds like you still got feelings" in a voice that was dripping with sadness. the fact that he sounded so down made me feel guilty, i didn't know it would hurt him. the next day he didn't interact with me at all for a couple of hours, didn't even go online and it worried me. i had a gut feeling that something awful happened. but he told me after a while that there was something important he had to talk to me about and he didn't really know how to say it. turns out he likes me, and he thinks it's a bit weird because i'm 15 and that we should stop talking for a week or so. i respected that and was overjoyed that he liked me but sad that he tried to stop. it didn't even take a full 24 hours for him to cut the break off. we've discussed it a bit, like asking each other at what point we realized we liked each other. turns out he thought i was cute way back when he first saw my tik tok videos, which i don't get because they're all retarded. he also told me he didn't even want to get a tinder because he wanted to be with me. i'm so fucking happy.
my braces got fucked up yesterday. one of the little loops came off and it's been pulling on my teeth all night, but i got it fixed this morning when i went to get everything tightened. i also have to wear rubber bands now to align my upper and lower jaw. it's a good thing i bought ice cream yesterday, i'm gonna need something cold once the pain hits. something AMAZING happened. so amazing that i used caps, even though i'm going for that all lowercase aesthetic. i decided to go to the grocery store with my mum because i like picking out what we should buy, cereals and stuff cause i hate her cooking. anyway let me give you some backstory before i go into the next part. this entry might be a long one so buckle up. last year, on the morning of april 12th, a guy stepped onto the bus. i always sat in the back and still do because i hate the thought of someone looking at my phone screen. i looked up and when i saw him i was stunned by his beauty. i couldn't believe my eyes. we actually made eye contact, i probably looked pretty shocked. he sat down in the front. i don't know which stop he got off at because i had to leave when the bus arrived at my school. i wrote down in my phone notes the time he stepped on and at what stop. the next morning, i saw him again. and then the next, and so on. he became my motivation for even leaving bed in the morning. seeing him helped me go to school. our eyes would meet every time that he came on. i smiled at him every time and i could swear he did it too occasionally. i started posting about him on my old instagram (which was terminated thanks to some sensitive retard) and all of my followers were invested in the story. i called him busboy. he sat in the back a few times and i always peeked at him because i couldn't fucking believe someone so gorgeous and perfect existed in my stupid town. he looks kind of like evan peters. on the very last day of school i doubted even going, but i did. and that was one of the best decisions of my life, because he sat next to me way in the back. like the seat right fucking next to me. we didn't speak or anything, he probably sat there because his usual spot was taken but i was dying internally from how happy i felt. i wanted to ask for any social media but i'm a coward. after that, i didn't see him anymore. it was in july of 2018. so, you can probably guess what i'm getting at. when i went to the store with my mum yesterday we were about to go to the cash out, and as i was walking i looked up and saw him. he was alone. i stopped in my tracks and turned back around to process it. then my mum and i got in line behind him. he looked at me, i think he recognized me and my heart was about to beat out of my fucking chest. i never stopped loving him even though i thought i'd seen him for the last time. i pretended to film my mum who was standing in front of him so i could send a video to my best friend and of course keep it for myself too. i had the chance to pack my groceries next to him but my autism flared up and i stayed by the cart. i'm so fucking overjoyed that i got to see him. it gives me hope that maybe i can see him again soon. i'll go to that store as often as possible. maybe even get a summer job as a cashier. the only issue is that i love ben now as well. i don't know what to do. i've loved busboy longer, but i don't even know him. i know ben, and ben is great. i really don't even have a chance with busboy though so i'll stick with ben for now unless things change.
i'm finally fucking done with the national tests but i think i failed every single one in math. i'm bothered to no end by the little piece of food stuck in my braces that i can't get out no matter how hard i try. i've been trying to remove it for like 15 minutes. for some fucking stupid retarded reason there are no mirrors in the school bathrooms and since there's a phone ban i can't even use my phone to check with the camera. literally about to go fucking insane. i can't take this. i am so tired of my fucking life and everything in it besides ben and now he's annoyed with me because i vented to him. i want to kill myself every second of every day, i'm so fucking insignificant and there's nothing i can fucking do to turn myself around. i am too far down the line of being a mongoloid. i hope someone puts me out of my misery because i'm such a coward that i can't do it on my own. help me, god fucking please help me. i need to be put to sleep forever.
today i've got my final spanish national test and i'm deeply worried. we're supposed to talk about seasons, but i barely know any words. the only season i can come up with is verano (summer). anyway, the class shirts arrived and they're really fucking ugly. all white with "lätt som plätt 9A" on the front, which is something my math teacher says often, and on the back it just has our names and a shitty shortened version of our school's name. i have a feeling i'll never wear it again after today. the site we ordered from didn't even have female shirt sizes so i had to get a small male one, yet it still fits me like a large. right now, some guys in my spanish class are kicking a football around and it's making me nervous. i don't want it to hit me. last time someone did this, it landed on my school computer and knocked everything off my desk. the weather is really nice today, i wish i had people to go outside with but unfortunately i'm ugly and antisocial. i'll probably write an update and add some new stuff once i get home. UPDATE: the spanish test was a disaster and i could barely get any words out. i said "perro es negro" and almost died.
did two of the national math tests just now. i think i'm going to die. i'm sitting outside of the teacher's lounge holding in my sobs, because i know everything i answered on the test is fucking wrong and now my grades will suffer. i was so fucking proud of myself for finally getting something higher than an E in math, i think i'm between D and C right now but after the test i'm definitely getting an F as my final grade. this year, the national tests weigh more than ever before and so i know for sure there's nothing i could do to save myself now. i tried talking to my mum about it but she's so fucking annoying and doesn't understand a god damn thing. she tries to feed me this stupid optimistic bullshit and it only makes me feel worse. i really might just off myself, this life isn't worth it and everything is going downhill, everything has been going downhill since i was born. i can't do this anymore and i don't even want to do this anymore. i can't fucking take it. my life is a complete and absolute shitshow, nobody can help me, not even myself. i'm pathetic. life itself is pathetic. all i do is suffer, and for what? what did i even do to deserve this? if reincarnation is real i must've been a really bad person in my last life because there's no other explanation for this shit.
i just took my second or third national test in spanish, it went awfully because the rest of my class wouldn't shut the fuck up. i could barely focus enough to be able to read the questions, much less answer them. i shouldn't dwell on it though since i don't really give a fuck about spanish and i'm most likely making it into my school of choice based on how many extra points i got for going to their interview. anyway, i checked discord when i got out of class and saw something really sweet that ben said last night. he basically said that he's been feeling depressed lately and i'm the one who's been keeping him up and then he thanked me. i'm honoured that he thinks so highly of me. i just wish he'd delete his tinder and realize that i'm here for him and i want us to be together. we always make those "this could be us" jokes, little does he know i truly want that. i've never felt this strongly for anyone since last year when there was an evan peters lookalike on my bus. with ben, i actually have a chance and it would kill me to see him be with someone else, even though i'd have to be happy for his sake. i think this entry is quite enough for now, maybe i'll add something else later. i need to study for the math tests so i don't know if i'll be that active this week.
everyone's already ordering dresses for graduation even though it's 4 weeks away. i'll never understand it. there's this goth girl in 9B who's wearing a black dress and according to my classmates that's stupid. i don't understand that either. i think she's cool and i'm probably wearing a black dress as well, as i've done on previous graduations. anyway, there's something else i feel like writing down today. this crazy guy i met on omegle (who told me he loved me after 2 days of us knowing each other) told me this morning that he's killed 400 people. i'm convinced that's a lie but either way he won't tell me how or who. just that it was for money. he wants me to be his girlfriend but i'm not so much of a thot that i start dating someone after like a fucking week, besides i'm so in love with ben that i couldn't even imagine being with anyone else. ben told me he feels special when i say nice things to and about him, because my older brother told him that i hate everyone. which is half true.
i called with ben all night and went to bed at approximately 05:40 this morning. slept for about 10 hours. i want to change what i wrote about ben, i don't just like him. i really love him. with all my heart. i love him 3000. last night my brother made him make a tinder account to get laid, and that made me really sad. i want to be with ben, badly. but he just turned 20 and i'm only 15, i don't think he'd want to get in any kind of trouble over some stupid fucking imbecile. when ben talks about "i want this song at my wedding" or anything along those lines, it hurts me because i know i won't be the one who gets to marry him. i would do anything to spend the rest of my life with ben.
it's finally friday. this week has been exhausting to say the least. i had two national tests in religion that i'm 99% sure i flunked, not that i give a shit about religion itself. i just want to keep my grades up so i get into my school of choice. the time is 12:10, in 5 minutes i will be going to social studies to learn about more useless crap. when i come home, i will probably sleep for a bit and then call with my best friend, ben, on discord. i really like ben. he's a great friend to me and we talk every single day. i told him my deepest darkest secret and he tried to comfort me, of course i wouldn't let him though and that's not his fault. anyway this is just a short entry to get this page started, expect more shit to come if anyone actually reads this. let me know, i'll put up a guestbook or something later.