when i first found out about columbine, i was in a really fucking horrible mental state. almost beyond saving. i dove so fucking deep into the tcc, really dug myself down in a hole with everything and columbine consumed me. it still does, partly. i will always have room in my mind for columbine. always. i memorized every fucking publicized detail in the case, that's not something i can just wipe from my brain. i never want to either. anyway, shit went down in my life and i wrote a suicide note when i was like 13. i wanted to die so fucking bad and i felt pressured to kill myself as soon as possible, because i didn't want to grow old and i still don't want to. in my mind i knew i had to kill myself before i turned 18, because i wanted my spirit to be with eric and dylan. i know that if they were alive today, they'd be in their 30's. but they died so young. i want to be with them so desperately, i love them. never in my life have i felt so connected to anyone else. i haven't had thoughts like this in a long time but last week they returned to me. i'm feeling the same pressure. maybe it's because i'm growing up and moving forward in life and that scares me. i have to die. i don't care if i go to hell if i kill myself, i don't believe in heaven or hell. i think there's an afterlife but i have no idea how it works. maybe there's just a void and all us shitty dead people will be stuck there for all eternity. i just want to be with them so bad. i'd give my life for them. to be able to even just see them, it would complete my existence. i'm almost 16 years old now, and time is slipping away. it's fucking running out like sand in an hourglass where the hole is too big. i feel cheated by the world, this has never been what i wanted. i hate this miserable state of being, i just want it to be 1999. why am i here, and why now? this is not my time and it never was.
